Kaden sat on the back steps of the farmhouse. In the growing dark, fireflies danced, and he remembered chasing them in the yard when he was little. A memory flashed in his mind of Dad, laughing as Kaden toddled after his older brothers, Zain and Adil, among the fireflies.
Tears stung Kaden’s eyes. What would Dad think? Dad had been a Marine, and he’d expect his boys to be honest and brave. But Kaden didn’t feel brave. He was 10 now, and he felt like he was getting to know himself. But was he strong enough to be himself? He had so many questions.
The fireflies blinked like stars, and Kaden imagined they were sending him a message in their patterns across the backyard: Talk to Zain. His oldest brother had just come home and was with Mom and Nani. He knew they were all worried about him.
Kaden had always shared everything with his brothers. But should I share this? Now? What if …? he wondered, and fears of rejection flooded his mind, making his stomach hurt. All the mean things he’d heard from other kids, all the hateful things some adults said; he heard them. He angrily wiped at the tears on his cheeks. You don’t have to say anything, he reminded himself. But keeping the truth inside made him feel so alone.
But what if …?
The back door shut quietly, and Kaden closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“Hey, kiddo,” Zain said as he stepped down and sat beside Kaden. “Nani says you’ve been out here a while.” Zain looked up at the stars and waited a moment before asking, “Something you want to talk about?”
Kaden glanced at his brother. Zain had the same dark hair and strong face like Dad. At 22, he was everything Kaden wanted to be. Kaden looked down and bit his lip.
“You know, when it feels hard to talk, it helps to remember that if we say things, they can be more manageable,” Zain said in his gentle big-brother tone. “Anything you’re feeling is human; others have felt them. And you can talk about them.”
Kaden met his brother’s gaze and made his decision. He stepped down onto the grass, feeling braver among the fireflies. When he spoke, the words tumbled out in a rush. “We were watching TV, and Omar and Kevin were saying how they thought Kamala Khan was cute. You know, in Ms. Marvel. They were just, like, saying she was pretty. And … and …” He stumbled over his words, then took a breath. “And I thought she was pretty, I did. But I also thought the guy on the show, he … he was nice, too,” he finished in a whisper.
Zain nodded. “I think I know what you’re trying to say,” he said gently. “But tell me. For yourself.”
“I think I might like boys.” Kaden paused, then looked directly at his brother. “Am I gay? I think I might be,” he said.
Zain stood and walked over, then placed a hand on Kaden’s shoulder. “Thanks for trusting me. Who a person’s attracted to, their sexual orientation, is part of who they are. It’s all right to question. It’s OK to not have yourself all figured out right now. Take the time you need. And if you are gay, that’s all right. We’re here for you. You’re going to be OK.”
Kaden squinted, studying Zain. “You wouldn’t mind having a gay brother?” he asked.
“There’s nothing about you that could ever change us, you and me being brothers,” Zain answered. “I’ll always love you.”
The weight of fear eased, and Kaden hugged Zain. “You think Mom and Adil will be OK too? And Nani?”
“You know Mom loves you ‘more than anything in the whole multiverse,’” Zain quoted their mom. And they both laughed. “And Adil and Nani are always on your side. We’ve got you, kiddo.” Then Zain grew serious. “What else are you wondering?” he asked.
And the last what if worry echoed in Kaden’s mind. “What would Dad think?” He asked his last fear in a whisper that seemed so loud. Dad had passed away a few years earlier, and Kaden was afraid his dad would have been disappointed.
Zain sat back down on the steps, and Kaden sat next to him. “I’m sorry you didn’t have as much time with Dad,” Zain said. Then he smiled. “Dad loved you, and he will always love you. You were little and didn’t get to know him. But he knew you. And he’d be proud of who you are; I sure am.”
Kaden leaned his head against his brother’s shoulder. “Thanks,” he said. They sat in silence for a moment, watching the fireflies.
Zain wrapped an arm around Kaden. “I wish the world was easier, that everyone would be accepting, and that you wouldn’t have to figure out who you can be open with,” Zain said, his voice full of caring. “But know that you are loved, you are not alone, and there will be people who accept you. Be yourself and be proud of who you are. I’m always here for you.”
Kaden nodded. And in the flickering of the fireflies, he imagined another message, this one from Dad: You are loved.