As part of our bedtime routine, I was excited to share a new book with my 4-year-old daughter. My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis would be our story for the evening. We began, as always, by reading the title and looking at the illustrations.
Before we could get to the content about a young boy who loves to dress up in beautiful, sparkly things and the support of his family to allow him that joy, my daughter made an announcement.
“Boys aren’t princesses,” she blurted out matter-of-factly and started to chuckle.
There, out loud and clear, was a thought I had hoped to preempt. But already she had formulated the idea, based on observations from the world and animated films, chats with other 4-year-olds or, perhaps, snippets of conversation overheard from grown-ups.
I tried to disguise my surprise and concern over the ramifications of this statement. I had wanted to open a discussion to introduce a broader, more accepting world. A world that could embrace boys who wanted to be princesses, wear pink, jeans and tiaras.
We read together.
I felt myself vocally leading my daughter to answer the questions posed at the end of the book. “If you see a ‘princess boy,’ will you laugh at him?” I read with a nearly audible shaking of the head. My daughter dutifully answered, “Noooo.”
Was it enough?
Reading a book like My Princess Boy and discussing it with a child are concrete starting points, says Meg Thomas, an early childhood coordinator at aMaze. It is a non-profit organization working to end bias and bullying. Thomas said the tendency among parents and teachers is to wait until children ask questions before talking about race, gender or class. But when a child can say “that’s not fair,” it is an indication they have noticed the world around them, and it’s time for broader conversations about differences.
Thomas also said that children are particularly vulnerable to visual stereotypes. So when you are ready to have a conversation, find visual evidence. This can be a book, a photograph, a store display or even a person. When a child says boys are not princesses, present the book, My Princess Boy. Or if a child says girls can’t play football, go online to find a team with a girl playing.
“Kids need really explicit messages, not the vague messages,” Thomas said. She noted that children also pick up on subtle body language and can sense tension. They may interpret any discomfort as a message that this topic should not be discussed and continue to internalize their original perceptions.
When possible, ask open-ended questions, like “what makes you say that?” That will help get the conversational ball rolling.
“Parents shouldn’t feel bad about themselves when children bring up race or class or gender,” Thomas said. “Instead, we should be pleased that we managed to counter the messages of silence enough that our kids are talking openly to us about what they observe.”
It’s these conversations that will lead to a bully-free environment for all our children, no matter what their differences.
Williamson is associate editor of Teaching Tolerance.
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